INTRO: As you know I devote a great deal of time speculating on evolution of musical consciousness, and I get thousands of email a year from my fellow tribe members who share this curiosity.

At first I was shocked by the email I got from Bernie, but as I considered what the email said…it made sense. I too forget how powerful the meme mechanism is in hooking us into the web of higher musical consciousness…over the great expanse of the harmonic/space/time continuum.

Here's the whole bada bing, bada boom…from ..


Dear Dr. Gizmo,

My tribal name is Bernie the First Flute Maker. .Been spending a great deal time getting down on the Triode Guild web site. Your articles are powerful grunts… so I thought I would contact you. I am the cave man who invented a sense. What I mean is that I created the first flute that has diatonic scales.

As far as I can tell my clan has been making music for a much longer time, but they only used chunks of meat, stones and wood before. Of course sex is really great music, but…it begins to sound monotonous….our clan needed something more effective, so I started to fart around some old bones…and one day…something awesome happened,

Why did I invent the first musical instrument?

Because a picture is worth a thousand words…check these out…because almost everything our clan does is in response to:

One day I am on a hunting trip with my brother Shmulke , and WHAM a saber tooth cat jumps out of the bushes and grabs him, "crunch" and carries him off. Last month we were all sitting around a fire, when there is a loud scream and my wife #10, Inez, the Bearded One, is dragged off by a saber tooth cat. Over the last three years four of my children have been gobbled up by wolves, and hyenas. Do you have any idea of how it feels to live in a world where at any moment you can become a Big Mac for a Big Cat?

A.robustus indiviual
Clues to a grisly death 1.5 million years ago emerge when th canines of ancient leopard jaw are matched with holesin the patial cranium of a juvenile.The skull found in the South Africa cave of Swartkrans in 1949, may have been pierced by the in the manner shown in the drawimg.

Why did I invent the flute?

For the same reason we invented the spear.

For the same reason we invented the alpha male hunting pack.

For the same reason we have a need for speed.

For the same reason we invented rituals and art.

Why did our DNA invent all of these things, including music?

Because the world is filled with big saber tooth cats that are very skilled at eating humans.

Or..let me say this in a way that you 21st century Neanderthals will understand, BECAUSE WE SHAME EXACTLY THE SAME ANXIETY PRONE DNA…I invented the first flute for the same reason that today's American's consume trillions of dollars of mood altering drugs….in every human's DNA there is a saber tooth cat chasing us.

And while we are on the subject of Neanderthal man's terror filled existential meta-context….now you know why humans are so over-sexed….we are the rabbits of bipedal mammals because we are so slow, puny, defenseless, and yummy.

BTW, I made an amazing discovery the other day…I performed the first brain surgery on my friend Marvin, who has migraine headaches, and look what I discovered in his brain…makes sense.

(picture of brain)

What do you think?

Your cave bro' Bernie.

PS: Why do you like your women so thin and hairless?


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